my school was having a “carnaval” dance in the union tonight and i went with my friend michelle. it was fun at first, it was just the two of us dancing in the mass of people. but then her friends came and we had to leave the circle to find them and they ended up just dancing like.. next to the group of people instead of in the circle. and i dunno why but i like cannot get into music unless i’m surrounded by people. like i don’t have to be in the center of the group but i need to have people around me so i at least feel like i’m part of the circle. dancing next to the group just makes me feel stupid lol. plus it’s awkward dancing with people you don’t know.. so i left a little bit after that.
i saw jimmie when we got there. he had his coat on so i’m not sure what he was doing there lol. it’s getting to the point where i like don’t even know what to do now, like i feel like i should go up and say hi if i see him. i mean it’s never been this full eye-contact situation, like tonight it was dark and i just saw his outline and recognized him so i pretended i never saw him. but it’s just like, i dunno. i dunno what to do. when i was dancing with michelle i was fine but when i was dance-shuffling awkwardly i kept thinking about it and now i’m just in this like weird funk. meh :\
Got a sweet letter in the mail today from a friend from high school, Nathan. He said a bunch of things, but overall he thanked me for being his friend during high school and said it really helped him when he was depressed. He said he liked me initially and still thinks I’m beautiful but now values my friendship more than anything else. He said he admires my character even more than my beauty and that I showed him what real friendship was.
I’m still trying to brush off these incidents (this letter, Michelle telling me to remember I’m gods beautiful creation) as coincidental but it’s getting harder. This is the second person to tell me I’m worth something when I never even hinted that I doubted being worth anything. And yet it has happened again. The last line of his letter really struck me - “I hope there’s not a moment when you doubt your own worth” - because to be honest, that’s ALL I’ve been doing lately. And even as I read the letter I qualified it - this was from 9th grade, that’s a long time ago, I’m not the same person and I’m not worth anything now. I still don’t understand why Nathan thinks this of me, I really don’t feel like I did anything special. And even when I talked to him through his Rhom Wert days I thought he was immature and annoying. What does that say of me? I’m not the person Nathan thinks I am. But maybe I am..
Either way, it was a well timed letter. And his comment about loving my personality more than my beauty was like.. Wow. If I day dreamed what someone could say to me to help my self perception issues I couldn’t have phrased it more perfectly. I’ve always seen beauty as my only asset. Sure I’m kind of nice or kind of funny but not really, so what am I? All the compliments I hear from people are about my appearance. That’s just our culture. How often do we say “you’re so thoughtful” or “you’re fun to be with”? No, it’s “your hair looks so nice” or “you’re pretty”. And not that there’s anything wrong with saying things like that, but.. When it’s all you hear, that’s the only positive thing you start to associate with yourself, you know? I don’t know. Just some thoughts.
So in conclusion.. I need to start seeing myself for who I am, and appreciating who I am instead of seeing how I could be better. Easier said than done, but. I think I’m starting to at least consider it
Same. But at the same time, the rda is 10-35% or .8/kg which is really low. Too low IMO
In my nutrition classes they repeatedly mention how Americans eat way more protein than they need and it irritates me like I know no Americans that eat mainly protein it’s all empty carbs and fat
I’ve felt sick/nauseous/anxious the past couple days. I feel like I’m sliding backwards with getting over Jimmie. Let’s hope this counseling session helps…
There’s a student running a $5 clean the snow off your car service at messiah. I paid him to clean off my car and he emailed me afterwards suggesting that we should hang out. It’s nice that I’m still like “attractive/desirable” to some guys. Breaking up with someone just makes you feel stupid and rejected. Of course the two minutes of flattery were quickly replaced by twenty minutes of trying to figure out the best way to decline his offer but whatever. It’s all good..
went to powerhouse tonight (a student-led worship hour) and thought I would *~record some thoughts~*
most of it was normal, it’s hard for me to get into the “spirit” if i don’t know the worship songs, which was the case for a lot of the beginning part. at one point i remember having my eyes closed and I think i prayed something and when i finally opened my eyes the words on the screen were “He makes all things work together for His good.” that was pretty cool. just a reminder that even though i’ve been going through some crap times, He’s still in control. The whole time, I was hoping they would play Revelation Song. oh my gosh that song is epic. not so much the recorded version but when you sing it live it’s so haunting and amazing. its my jam. and at like second to last song.. they started singing “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.. worthy, worthy is He.” and i was just like whattttttt ugh wonderful.
the whole worship time, though, my thoughts were so distracted and i had a hard time putting heart and mind behind what i was doing. i feel like i still don’t have a connection and i don’t like “understand” the meaning behind God and the relationship with God. it’s something i need to work on.
one cool thing though.. i went with my friend Michelle and afterwards she turned to me and said that while she was praying for me she felt God was telling her to say that He loves me and apparently the words honey and chickie were included although i have no idea what that’s about haha. but then she said that God wants you to remember that you are His beautiful creation and i was like, wow. it was really relevant. lately i just feel like i’m a bad person and a bad friend and i’m a leech who just takes from everyone and it was just a nice reminder.
now i just got to get my heart into it more..
Actually took time to curl my hair today! This is in the afternoon so it doesn’t look as nice but whatever. No one gave me props so I’m putting it on here so I don’t feel like it went to waste :P
I was all excited to get the supple leopard book but it’s just frustrating me. I’m not good at reading about how to move or breathe and the author seems like he’s speaking only to coaches or educated athletes. What is screwing your feet? Or breaking the bar? I’m reading a whole section on things that can go wrong with the squat and i feel like it’s like “do you have this problem? Ok here’s how to fix it: squat correctly duh”. I’m frustrated. Someone explain this book to me